Jamie The Very Worst Missionary
Inappropriate remarks, embarrassing antics, and generally lame observations about living life as a Christian missionary in Costa Rica.
Updated: 6 min 28 sec ago
A Letter to the Very Worst Missionary...from the Very Best
span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small; border-collapse: collapse; "p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"A few months ago I set up an email account for the VWM, and, I gotta admit, checking it gives me butterflies in my stomach. I just never know what I'm gonna get - sometimes it's awesome, sometimes it sucks. This week I got.../span /span/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"ithis/i/span/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;":/span/span/span/i/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Times New Roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"br //span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Dear Jamie the Very Worst Missionary,/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I was so glad to read your blog./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I never read blogs./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I think they are a waste of time./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"But I was happy to read yours./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I always thought I was bad missionary./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"But you are /spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"way /span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"worse than me./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Just the fact that I never use the words: “bitches, big-ass, and shitload” in my newsletters makes me automatically better than you./span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I wasn’t knocked up at 17./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Heck, I’ve never even been…knocked./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I’ve always played by the rules and I’m waiting until I’m married./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I’m 36 years old so it’s looking like I might be celibate my whole life. Hollywood wants the movie rights, but I would never give it to them./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Since they are all going to hell./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I’ve never been drunk and wouldn’t even /spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"think /span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"about making my own beer./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"(I’m gaining heap-loads of points on you by the minute)./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I’ve been to seminary./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Where have you been?/spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Besides around the block./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I have no unusual piercings or tattoos./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"What are you…in a gang or something?/spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I’m a missionary in a country that is poor-er than yours./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Costa Rica is the Beverly Hills of Central America./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Don’t you know that?/spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Honduras is like the Cabrini Green./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"(I am soooo winning this.)/spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"My Spanish is really good./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Some people say that I don’t even sound like a gringa when I talk./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Don’t you wish you were more like me?/spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"My name is Michelle. The very good missionary./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Funny thing though…/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"As near-perfect as I have always been something strange has come out since becoming a missionary, nearly 9 years ago./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I’ve always been so extremely…good./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I’ve always been very…nice./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"But the truth is…I’m not very nice anymore./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I never knew what it meant to hate someone…really /spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"hate/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" someone…until a few years ago./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"While being a missionary./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I never knew bitterness…real soul-disturbing, I-desire-bad-things-for-your-wbrlife bitterness until becoming a missionary./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I’ve never known real anger, the kind that has me thinking, albeit never saying (that would ruin my Pollyanna reputation) those words/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" you/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" so easily throw out./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Though you will never hear me say it, I curse people in my heart./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Ever since being a missionary./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I’m also jealous /spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"and/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" envious./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Both of them./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"At.the.same.time./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Never realized it…until becoming a missionary./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I’ve also been known to be quite judgmental./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I’m not really sure why everyone around me is so immature./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Obviously, they can’t hear from God living the way they do./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"(It’s been awhile since I’ve heard from God too./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Even being a missionary.)/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I used to love spending time in prayer and going to church./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Now on Sundays, I have to drag myself out of bed and force myself to go to church./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"And I struggle immensely trying to pray./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Once I said “I hate praying” in front of my missionary advisor./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"(I hope he didn’t hear me./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"That would not be good.)/spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Sometimes in prayer meetings I find myself wishing in my mind that the people around me would just shut up and say ‘amen’ already to their long, pious, stupid prayers so that I can go home and go to sleep./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I never used to be this way…not until becoming a missionary./span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"And pride, well, you may not have noticed this yet, but sometimes I think I’m better than other people./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Sometimes I think I know more than other people./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Especially when they are really poor and don’t know how to read or write./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"And I think I can teach them something, since I know things./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I know a lot of things./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"A lot of good it does me since I can’t seem to live it out…since becoming a missionary./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Being a missionary does weird things to you./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I know./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I’ve been one longer than you./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"So, see./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"I’m still winning./spanspanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;" /span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Michelle/span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"Tegucigalpa, Honduras/span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span style="font-size:100%;"span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"spanbr //span/span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Times New Roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"br //span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"So, what do you think?/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;" /span/span/span/i/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"br //span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"I'll tell you that by "/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"iDon't you wish you were more like me?/i/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"", my blood was boiling. I was getting ready to break somethin' off. (Sorry, condescension and insults make me go all ghetto.) I was like, "Is this a joke? What the hell? Seriously, what. the. hell...." But /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"I kept reading and I'm so glad, because when Michelle pulled back the facade on her seemingly perfect exterior, I really liked who I saw. I liked her humanness and I felt connected to her in a way that maybe only two bitter, judgmental missionaries can connect. And my heart hurt for her, and for the ugly things that being a missionary has taught her. And my soul ached a little for me, too, and for the 'good' life I could have lived. And then it rejoiced for where we both are today, for /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"iwho/i/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"i /iwe both are.... and, mostly, for howb God is still present with us in this wilderness/b. /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"br //span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"Thank you, bMichelle /b/span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"the Very Best Missionary/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;", for your letter. Thank you for pointing a clever finger at the absurdities of this world, the ridiculousness of our own perceived better-ness, and the weird things being a missionary does to you. I love you, sister!/span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"br //span/span/i/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"Also? It seems I've found my /span/spana href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bizarro_Jerry"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"Bizarro Missionary/span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;". (Michelle probably doesn't even know what that is because I bet she's too good for /span/spana href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bizarro_Jerry"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"Seinfeld....and Superman/span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;". So I linked it. Twice. Not that I feel any insane need to corrupt her and bring her over to the dark side, but if I did, I would start with Seinfeld. It's like the gateway drug into questionable humor and pop-culture.)/span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Times New Roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"br //span/span/p/spandiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-6319486347176832793?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/hPUXNkqEJ0E" height="1" width="1"/
Two confessions at once, y'all.
bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I have a confession. Two of them, really./span/span/bdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"The first is that /span/spana href="http://stevenwrightcr.blogspot.com/"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"El Chupacabra /span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"and I went out on a date on Friday and since it was just the two of us and /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"also/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" because it seemed like it had been a really long time since we'd done anything special, we decided to splurge a bit and get a nice meal. So we did. We splurged, and went to one of the nicest restaurants that we could afford.../span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"...Denny's. /span/span/b/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"There, I said it. We went to Denny's. Ok? /span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And goodness... it was so freaking good I cannot even begin to tell you how delicious it was. I had a bacon cheeseburger - and it was like a REAL burger - No bread or eggs mixed in the meat! The bacon was crispy and abundant, and, /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"you guys, /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"there were PICKLES on it! The thick kind that still have a hint of cucumbery goodness - my /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"favorite/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" kind - and I loved the pickles so much that I asked the waiter for a few more and, you know what? He brought me some! And I don't very often finish an entire meal (I may have thrown a few fries on /span/spana href="http://stevenwrightcr.blogspot.com/"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"El Chupacabra's/span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" empty plate) but I ate that entire burger, all by myself. Jeez, it was good./span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Ok. And, the other thing is that the Denny's we went to is a sort of hot-spot for gringos and while we were waiting to pay there was this white guy behind us. And he was wearing the classic tourist uniform; button up shirt, khaki shorts, mid-calf socks with sandals, and the soft white baby flesh of a man who hasn't spent a lot of time under the sun this close to the equator. None of which, on it's own, is terribly offensive, /span/spana href="http://http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/2010/08/this-just-fell-out-of-my-head-im-tired.html"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"it's not wrong, it's just different/span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;", right? But the guy kept saying, in an extremely loud voice, "ARE WE THERE YET?" followed by a ridiculous amount of self- amused guffawing. I mean, he did that /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"at least/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" 4 times in the couple of minutes we waited for the cashier to take our bill. /span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And I wanted to say "Yeah. We get it. You had to fly for a long time in a big plane to get here, to this strange land, where you will spend your vacation on a very expensive but highly contrived "adventure" so that for the next 8 month you can bring it up in front of your friends, neighbors, coworkers, and strangers in line at Starbucks by inserting the line 'when I was in Costa Rica' into every conceivable conversation. Yes. You're there yet. Congratulations!" And then I wanted to say /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;""You're eating at /span/span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Denny's/span/span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;", man! What is up with the safari hat?!"/span/span/b/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"So my husband paid and we made our way to the car in the drizzling rain, and I was really glad that these confrontations occur mainly in my head. Anyway, I started thinking about why I was so irritated by my obnoxious, badly styled countryman. Is it really so bad to have an odd, albeit /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"loud/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;", manner of engaging with the world around you? I mean, the guy was just excited to be here./span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I felt like my 12 year old, Dylan, who's in a constant state of mortification about how his family looks, acts, and dresses in public. I love my kid, but he's a total kill-joy. Any attempt to hold his hand will elicit an agonized, "/span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"MoooOOoom...stohahahop. You are SO /span/span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"embarrassing/span/span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"./span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"" He begs me to make his brother quit singing in public, or to drag him away from the silly giant sunglasses for sale at the carnival. "Mom. You hafta make Jamison stop doing the robot. Everybody is /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"looking/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"." And my response to my tormented preteen is always, alway, always the same. /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;""/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"You/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" need to worry about/span/span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" you./span/span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" In regard to your brother, your only job is /span/span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"love/span/span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" him. It's /span/span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"my/span/span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" job to grow him up. So. /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"BACK/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"./span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" OFF/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"."/span/span/b/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/b/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And then I felt bad for judging the guy. I felt bad for letting my own insecurities lead me toward fear of guilt by association. I felt /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"really /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bad for calling the guy an ass-hat in my head, when obviously /span/spana href="http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/2010/08/whoops-i-grabbed-your-banana-apology-to.html"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I've engaged in more than my fair share of ass-hat moments./span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" In those few seconds, and without ever having a conversation with the dude, I had decided that I was in some way better than him. I was cooler that he was, and I dressed better. As if those are even the things I've chosen to live for. As if those are things any of us should choose to live for. /span/span/span/b/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/span/b/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"You know what? /span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" need to worry about /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"me/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". My only job is to love that guy. /span/span/bbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"No, like, for real. iT/i/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"hat's my job... /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"you know, cause of the whole missionary thing?.../span/span/b/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/b/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But I'm pretty sure it also says that in the Bible, /span/spana href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%206:42amp;version=MSG"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"somewhere/span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;", maybe even a few somewheres. /span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Alrighty, then. Tell us your favorite burger or best burger experience. Of course, other comments are welcome, if you feel like it. /span/span/divdiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-2513114062456056763?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/3ZxR2DQT-98" height="1" width="1"/
This just FELL out of my head. I'm tired.
p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bI/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bf I ever quit being a missionary (/b/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bor get fired/b/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"b)/b, I’m gonna go be an anthropologist. Is there a market for volunteer anthropologists with no experience, no training, and no education in the field? /span/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"br //span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"Actually, I /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"did/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" take Anthro 101 at American River Community College, 18 years ago.b So I’m kind of an expert./b I didn’t even drop the class or anything, and I may have passed it. It’s hard to say. I know that I showed up most days with a thrumming hang-over and once I had to do a group project where 5 of us lay on top of each other on a table, dog-pile style, and a guy dressed like Dr. Livingston pealed us off from the top, like layers of an archeological dig, and then we each had to act like a living example from the fossil record while the dude discoursed on our discovery, significance, and hominid features. I was Australopithecus boisei/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';". /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"So all I had to do was grunt like an ape, and balance a Coke can on my forehead to demonstrate it’s flatness and wideness. The guy doing the talking handled the rest, telling our class about how I was thick and robust and that I made very good drink holder. I’m pretty sure we got an “A”. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bSo that’s why community college is a joke compared to regular college. /bActually? I think we got an “A” because one of the guys in our group was secretly dating the professor. But our project was still really good. /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"Obviously/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';". I passed another test in that class by answering an extra-credit question about which direction bananas grow, which I only knew from reading a href="http://www.thefarside.com/"The Far Side/a. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"Wait, what was I talking about? /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"Oh yeah. a href="http://www.thefarside.com/"The Far Side./a/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"Anyway. I’ve learned even more anthropology junk since then. I mean, missionaries are practically anthropologists in their own right. At the very least, we dress alike. I’ll just say this; If you’re a missionary and you’re NOT studying history and culture and seeing the link between how the way things have always been done affects the way things are done now, and why that's really significant to how you relate to the people around you, you’re doing it wrong. Just so you know. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"But no worries. To help you along, I’ve compiled this list of “Anthropologistical Type Things I’ve Learned in the Mission Field”:/span/span/span/p ol style="list-style-type: decimal"li style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bDon’t bother studying monkeys./b I can tell you everything you need to know about them. Monkeys are assholes. There. Want to know more? Give a 2 year old a bunch of speed and a rusty shank and see what happens; Hanging out with a monkey is kind of like that, except more so. They will bite your face off to get what they want. Study apes instead. They seem way more chill (but they bite, too, so be careful)./span/span/span/li li style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bYou can’t sum up major cultural differences with a cutesy catch-phrase./b When we got here, someone told us that a good rule of thumb to help us in adjusting to the culture was to tell ourselves b“It’s not wrong, it’s just different.” /b We appreciated this advice as we threw our a href="http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/2010/06/stuff-missionaries-like-1-driving-home.html"TP in the garbage/a can, and when we learned to wash a skillet covered in bacon grease in cold water, and as we a href="http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/2010/02/secret-to-driving-in-costa-rica.html"struggled to learn our way around/a Costa Rica, where the streets have no names. (No, like for real./span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"There are no street names/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';".) But, ultimately, we discovered this slogan’s two fatal flaws which are that A) bSometimes it /b/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bis/b/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"b wrong. /bIt’s just/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" wrong/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" to let children go hungry, it’s /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"wrong/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" to ignore injustice, it’s /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"wrong/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" to eat mayonnaise on french fries, it’s /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"wrong/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" to pretend like these things aren’t happening all over the world with a shrug of the shoulders. And B) It may not be “wrong” in the moral sense of the word, but there is often a “right way” to do something, and that way should be observed and exacted. For example: In the town where we live, there’s a bridge that is halfway washed out, as in half of the bridge is missing, and it’s been that way for more than a year. Instead of fixing the bridge, they just re-striped the road to go /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"around/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" the gaping hole. When we drive across this bridge, which we must do often, we say, b“It’s not wrong, it’s just stupid.”/b /span/span/span/li /ol p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"And...uummm....That’s all I’ve got so far. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"But don’t worry, I’ll keep observing and reporting. And then, someday, when I’m the most famous untrained volunteer anthropologist ever, I’ll submit my findings to The Journal of Something or Other for Nerds that Like this Kind of Stuff and then I’ll be published. And it will be awesome, because it will give me enough credibility to push for a new Church movement; The Anthropological Church, Where we don’t study monkeys because they’re /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"so /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"predictable, but we do study people because they’re not so much, and we hope that the better we know our people, all people, any people, the better we will be able to blove/b them, and that's what we're really all about -b /bibloving people well./b/i/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"....Which, actually?, isn’t such a bad idea.../span/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"br //span/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bI need a nap. And I think this bears asking: What do you eat on your fries?/b/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bbr //b/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"b*this post was edited, with apologies, for snarky stereotyping. Sorry if you saw it/ sorry if you missed it. /b/span/span/pdiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-4816164816159665343?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/jmqf3-YACU4" height="1" width="1"/
Who’s a missionary now, b...
!--StartFragment-- p class="MsoNormal"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"Once, we went to the zoo/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" and there was a python or some big-ass snake like that in the reptile house. A small crowd had gathered around its curved glass enclosure with the littlest children weaseling their way to the front to stand up on their toes and smash their fat hands and snotty faces against the cage for a better look. The people marveled, a few of them chuckled; some shook their heads in disbelief. The way they acted, I was expecting to find the snake standing upright in a limbless tuxedo, crooning Barry Manilow and smoking a cigar. o:p/o:p/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"After a few minutes, the lady next to us moved off, taking with her a stroller the size of a mini-cooper, and we were able to get in close enough to see what all the excitement was about. bGotta admit, I was pretty disappointed./b The huge snake was wound up in one corner of the cage, seemingly asleep, unmoving, and completely indifferent to the world at large. Just to the left, we found the object of all this attention – a fat, white rat – chomping away on the snake’s last six inches or so. /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"I told you/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" it was gonna be disappointing.o:p/o:p/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"We watched him for a minute and I thought, b“That rat is an /b/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bidiot/b/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"b.” /b And I was right because everyone knows that, in the end, big snakes eat little rats and not the other way around. The whole scenario went against everything I knew to be true about reptiles and rodents, everything I’d ever been taught about them. In my heart I knew the rat was doomed to failure, and even so, part of me wanted him to win this one-sided battle. We waited there, a little too long perhaps, to see if the snake would awaken and squeeze the living daylights out of his miniature attacker, but the sleepy fellow never did move. o:p/o:p/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"Instead, the prey had become the predator. And I can’t exactly say whether or not rodents experience pride, but, I swear, that little guy paused and stood straight up, looking at all of us with his beady black eyes, and python blood dripping from the corner of his mouth, as if to say, b“Who’s at the top of the food chain now, /b/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bbitches/b/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"b?!” /b It kinda made me want to put a little gold chain around his little gangster neck. Seemed he’d earned it. o:p/o:p/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"In my estimation, me becoming a missionary makes about as much sense as a rat eating a python. It defies nature. It goes against everything I know to be true of missionaries and myself, everything I’ve ever been taught. Yet, somehow, as unlikely as it may seem, it happened. I ended up in Costa Rica, staring at the word “missionary” on my IRS forms like a glaring scarlet letter, and, much like my little friend the rat, biting off /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"way/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" more than I could chew. o:p/o:p/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bSometimes, failure seems inevitable. /bo:p/o:p/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"A couple of weeks later, I was reading the paper and there was an article talking about how the snake at the zoo had died because in an unlikely turn of events it had been mauled by its meal which caused some kind of secondary infection, or something. Anyway, the snake bit the dust. /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"And I thought, Score one for the underdog! And then I thought, you know what? bScore two!/b Because, yeah, there are plenty of things I could be doing better, and most days I’m in over my head, but I’m /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"still here/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" doing this whole overseas thing even though it’s the hardest, scariest, most overwhelming thing I’ve ever done in my whole life! /span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bI don’t /b/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bcelebrate/b/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"b that enough./b I don’t enjoy it. I don’t purse my lips and cross my arms like, “Who’s a missionary now, bitches?!” /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'times new roman';font-size:medium;"Too often I act like the snake, sitting by idly letting the smallest thing take me down. Allowing the tiniest stuff to eat away at me, poisoning my own blood against me, like an infection. /spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"And I know this isn’t a perfect metaphor, and you may be inclined to ream me for implying that missionaries should harbor pride, or whatever. But all I’m really trying to say is that bI want to be delighted by the place to which God has brought me./b I want to be grateful. And /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'times new roman';font-size:medium;"I hope that those watching from the other side of the glass can see that God takes the mundane, the unlikely, the unlovely and redeems them in incredible ways. /span/pp class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'times new roman';font-size:medium;"Sometimes ugly sewer rats get to gobble up big scary snakes. And sometimes snarky, sarcastic, overly-skeptical chicks who don't always play by the rules get go be missionaries./span/pp class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bImprobable? Yes. /b/span/span/pp class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bImpossible? Apparently not. Bitches./b/span/span/pp class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;":) /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/pp class="MsoNormal"o:p/o:p/p !--EndFragment--div class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-3495750812190148349?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/HhoDZRoedpk" height="1" width="1"/
Spanish isn't rocket surgery!
!--StartFragment-- p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"If you’re ever in the mood to feel like a complete dumbass, you should go learn a few key words on a topic you know absolutely nothing about and then use them to start a conversation with an expert in that field./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"Not only will you feel like an imbecile, the person to whom you’re speaking will look at you like you’re a complete moron./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"I promise./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"Their eyes will go a little squinty and they’ll look at you like, “Um. Why did you bring this up if you can’t even follow along?”/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"Don’t believe me? Go ask a cardiac surgeon if he thinks /span/spanspan style="color:#2A2A2A;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"glucose-insulin-potassium /span/span/spanspan style="color:#2A2A2A;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"therapy reduces in-hospital-mortality after acute myocardial infarction./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"Then see how long it takes your eyes to glaze over as he talks in words you don’t understand./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"The good doctor will quickly tire of your inappropriate responses, at which point he’ll pretend to take an urgent call on his cell and he’ll walk away from you, the moron, with a sigh of relief. o:p/o:p/span/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span style="color:#2A2A2A;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"I know this because /span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"I’ve become like an /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"expert/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;" at starting conversations with little to no ability to actually see them through./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"Thank you, Spanish!/span/span/p !--EndFragment--div class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-229544912258730247?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/1kKPK65f9kA" height="1" width="1"/
Whoops, I grabbed your banana!-An apology to Lick Foreign
!--StartFragment-- p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"So there’s been all kinds of talk on Twitter because the pastor of an extra-super-mega-church -we’ll call him “Lick Foreign”- made a very bold statement about the awesomeness of his congregation./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"So, Lick Foreign says this thing and then nearly all of everyone on twitter, including me, was all “/span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"WHAT THE…?!/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"” and then Lick Foreign removed the statement, but everybody it still talking about it. /span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Well, /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"it totally reminded me of this one time/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;", when I was at some Christian conference and I went to get a snack during the break./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"There were two lines, one on each side of a long stretch of tables offering muffins, and granola bars, and fruit and junk like that./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"The line moved along as people filled their mini paper plates with little piles of grapes and sweet and salty nut bars./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But I had my eye on a muffin./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"One muffin. /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"It was a chocolate chip muffin, far enough at the bottom of the pile that it /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"could/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" still be there by the time I made it to that end of the line./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I was fixated on my muffin, praying a hedge of protection around it, when I blindly reached into a basket of fruit./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I put my hand around the first thing I touched, a banana, and began to lift it toward my plate when I felt some resistance./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I glanced down to see another hand at the other end of the fruit. o:p/o:p/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"“Whoops - I grabbed your banana!” /span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"The words just slipped out…loudly./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanispan style="color:#7F7F7F;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"o:p/o:p/span/span/span/i/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Man giggles began to rise up around me as my gaze moved upward to take in the owner of the banana hand. Oh, of course, it was a /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"priest/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"A real/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"priest. like, with a little, white collar and everything. o:p/o:p/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I grabbed a priest’s banana and made an accidental double entendre out of it./span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Awesome./span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"(I’m guessing there’s a special place in hell for a missionary who causes a man of the cloth to blush like a rose blooming in April… or, maybe there’s a special place in heaven. Time will tell.) o:p/o:p/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But my point is that we’re all guilty of busting out with a ridiculous statement every now and again - Just try and tell me you’ve never said something that you didn’t immediately want to hit the rewind button on./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I will call you a liar to your face/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"….or/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" I will judge you harshly in silence./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But either way, we’ll both know that you’re not being entirely honest. o:p/o:p/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"So, you know what the priest did when I grabbed his banana?/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Nothing./span/span/b/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"He just smiled kindly and looked away./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Basically, he ignored it./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And even though it would have been /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"hilarious /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"if he had quipped, “That’s what she said” with a sly wink and a flashy grin, I would have been mortified./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"o:p/o:p/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"When I was thinking about this story this morning, I was reminded that, sometimes, /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Grace keeps silent/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"It sucks to say something really, really, /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"really/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"stupid…or arrogant…or inappropriate, only to have it rubbed in your face for the rest of your life… or for 2 days on Twitter./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Ya know? /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Well, /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I do know/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;", because /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I’ve said A LOT of dumb stuff/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Like, once, when I unknowingly made a short-bus joke to the Mom of a kid with special needs, or another time when I made a disparaging remark about men and threesomes in front of a church elder (/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"not even kidding/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"), or this other time when I said something about my boss’s breath being like deadly, poison gas, only to find out that she was standing right behind me./span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"All of these incidents happened years ago, but I’m definitely still learning the whole /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"if-you-say-that-out-loud-you'll-wish-someone-would-shoot-you-in-the-face-to-kill-your-embarassment/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" thing./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Perhaps Lick Foreign is still learning, too./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Which is why I wish I had shown him Grace of the silent sort./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"The same kind of Grace I have been afforded over the years. /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"So now I feel all kinds of bad that I twittered in response to Lick Foreign, and I just wanna say: /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"Sorry, Lick./span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"Next time I won’t twitter up in your business…er…. I mean, I’ll keep my fingers off your junk…er....whatever….you /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"know/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;" what I mean./span/span/pp class="MsoNormal"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/b/pp class="MsoNormal"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Ok, people, confess! What's the most awkward thing you've said out loud?/span/span/b/pp class="MsoNormal"br //p !--EndFragment--div class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-1233709648374727382?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/sC0nXETJVpw" height="1" width="1"/
The difference between El Chupacabra and me.
a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TF21XVkZF0I/AAAAAAAAAnI/Q6s47OYp4BY/s1600/Screen+shot+2010-08-07+at+1.09.00+PM.png"/adivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I think I’m gonna paint my living room./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" Today./span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I’ve been talking about painting since we moved into this little house a year ago./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But now I’m going to do it./span/span/divdiv p class="MsoNormal"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Yesterday/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;", I spot-cleaned the carpet in my middle son’s bedroom./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"We are, apparently, the only people in all of Latin America with carpeted bedrooms./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"It’s gross./span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Last week/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;", I organized my closet. /span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Tomorrow? /span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" I’ll probably file the one million years worth of receipts that I have shoved in a Trader Joes bag under my bed./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Or maybe I’ll develop a new recipe for a high-energy protein bar, or I’ll engineer a bridge, or something else equally as unrelated to what I really ought to be doing. /span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I’m at it again./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spana href="http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/2010/04/procrasturbation.html"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" Procrastination is like a competitive sport to me./span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"This time I’m a href="http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/2010/04/procrasturbation.html"procrasturbating/a because I decided to jump head long into a new project./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"It’s crazy./span/span/p span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TF21XVkZF0I/AAAAAAAAAnI/Q6s47OYp4BY/s320/Screen+shot+2010-08-07+at+1.09.00+PM.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5502753732248016706" style="float: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 181px; " //spanp class="MsoNormal"a href="http://stevenwrightcr.blogspot.com/"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"El Chupacabra /span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"walks in after work and I can see him assessing the situation./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"He smells Pinesol in the air, sees the TV has been dusted, notices his underwear has been folded and rearranged to create an exact replica of Da Vinci’s Last Supper. “So. What’d you do today?” he asks. /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"What he really wants to know is how much time I put into my project. The homemade pies cooling on the window sill answer him before I can. Um.../span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"none/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"./span/span/pp class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"*gulp* /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"He knows me too well./span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"He /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"knows/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" that the only reason I’m suddenly so interested in eradicating our home of insects and allergens is that I’ve taken on a project that has nothing to do with any of that./span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"This morning, he looked me in the eye, and with all the kindness and gentleness he could muster (and with a tone of voice that clearly conveyed I-have-no-desire-to-start-a-fight-with-you-but-you-need-to-hear-this) he said, “I think you might be sabotaging yourself and I don’t know why.”/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And then he left for work and I had to stew on it all day without being able to throw all of my clever ‘you know what I shoulda said’ retorts a back at him. /span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"This is the difference between /span/spana href="http://stevenwrightcr.blogspot.com/"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"El Chupacabra/span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" and me./span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"If he is going to do a project - let’s say put in new baseboards - he’ll throw a skill saw on our unmade bed and start cutting./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Two hours later, we’ll have a bed full of sawdust and, as promised, all new baseboards./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And I’ll be freaking out the whole time about how he’s doing it, and the mess he’s making, and why can’t he just blah, blah, blah… But, by the end of the day, the project will be done and the mess will be gone. /span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"On the contrary, if /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I’m/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" going to put in new baseboards, the first thing I’m gonna do is clean the kitchen./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Then I’ll catch up on the laundry, write a novel, learn Mandarin, and bake cupcakes./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Three years later, I will /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"still /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"be talking about putting in new baseboards. /span/span/p !--StartFragment-- p class="MsoNormal"ba href="http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/2010/05/16-most-amazing-things-about-you.html"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Clearly, his way is better./span/span/a/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"So I’m gonna try it - I’m gonna just do this thing and clean up later. Here I go./span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Ok....I’m currently fighting the urge to run downstairs and re-stack the Tupperware… Prayers are appreciated. /span/span/pp class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/pp class="MsoNormal"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"So what's your deal? How do/span/span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" you /span/span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"tackle a project?/span/span/b/p !--EndFragment-- /divdiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-3790845480033547859?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/TOUkPPHv0jQ" height="1" width="1"/
Whoops.
My blog is all screwed up because I tried to change the domain name. I've been assured that it will be back to normal shortly, but with a better url, or whatever that thingy is called. divbr //divdivPshhh. I have my doubts. divbr //divdivbr //div/divdiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-1096962871121764879?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/Ih5ZIWNwqg8" height="1" width="1"/
The parable of the Flying Naked Baby.
!--StartFragment-- p class="MsoNormal"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"“Can you imagine?” She kept saying that./span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Can you imagine… /span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"That’s what we say when there are no other words to express our utter astonishment./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Or to convey our judgment without actually saying “I would never.”/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I had come across this woman and her kids at the park where we had both arrived early to beat the summer heat and exhaust our young children to tears./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"My younger boys were still little, barely 3 and 5 at the time. Young enough for naps, and animal crackers, and still small enough for me to laugh inappropriately, looking sideways to compose myself before disciplining them when they acted like little turd balls. As our kids played, swinging and climbing and digging for China, we struck up a conversation./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And I don’t remember how it came up, but she began to tell me the most incredible story./span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"She said it had just happened, right there in our own neighborhood, a few weeks before./span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"She was wringing her hands as she told me about a little boy, a toddler, who had fallen out of his second-story bedroom window./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"She said his mother was in her own room getting dresses after a shower and the kids were playing down the hall./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"There was a scuffle between the little guy and his big brother, ending with the brother giving him a shove./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But the two were standing on a bed at window height and the little boy ended up falling backward against the screen, which gave way, letting him tumble freely to the driveway below./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Can you imagine?/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"She said the older kid ran screaming to the Mom who went screaming to the baby, just knowing as she ran down the stairs that her little boy was going to be mangled, or worse./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Can you /span/span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"even/span/span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" imagine?/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"So -she continued- the Mom throws open the front door and leaps off the porch, racing toward her baby, who, to her complete and utter surprise comes walking around the back of her car, crying, but otherwise completely unharmed./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"The mom fell to her knees as she scooped him up because she was shaking so badly she couldn’t even stand. /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"It was like a freaking miracle!/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Can you imagine?/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"A miracle!/span/span/i/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"It turns out that the night before, the mom was bringing in the garbage cans, and because of some commotion in the house with kids and pets and dinner, or whatever, she had left the big plastic trash can sitting in the middle of the driveway, directly under that window./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Her little guy had literally /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bounced /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"right off the lid of the can./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"It saved his life!/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And then the lady in the park said it one last time with one hand covering her mouth and the other touching her heart, /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"“Can you imagine?”/span/span/b/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"“No….I can’t imagine.” I told her./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And I thought, “Because I don’t need to. I was /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"there./span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"”/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"She had told my story back to me, the story of /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"my son/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" falling out of a second story window and walking away virtually unharmed./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"That was /span/span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"my/span/span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" terror, /span/span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"my/span/span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" amazement, /span/span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"my /span/span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"miracle. /span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But I didn't reveal myself as a primary player in the story because I couldn't decide if she was astonished by the insanity of it or outraged by the horrible mother that allowed it to happen. /span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"She told the story with remarkable accuracy, leaving out only the most minor detail -which also happens to be the best part of the story- and that is that /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"he was bare-ass naked/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Can you imagine? /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"A naked little person popping out of a second story window?/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I know I can only laugh about it because the outcome was so great, but that is kinda funny, right?!/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"(Apparently, while I was in the shower my little man stripped naked, unlocked and opened his window, and picked a fight with his brother./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"He was a busy toddler.)/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"The conclusion that my new friend had drawn was that this child had been set apart by God to do something very special for the world./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I looked across the park at my chubby, toe headed kid, scooping handfuls of sand laced with cat poop into his mouth, and thought ”Meh, it’s hard to say...but, yeah, maybe....” I didn’t really need my baby to have a brush with death in order to know that he was special./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Nor do I particularly agree that the children who happen to survive their ordeals are the ones set apart by God for something good. But we did talk for a long time, that near stranger and I, about God and His hopes and dreams for our children...and for us./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"The whole thing was just weird. Ya know? /span/span/b/pp class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But that’s the day I realized that our stories are so much bigger than we are./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"They can travel farther than we can. They can talk louder. They can touch people deeply when we’re not even in the room./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And I /span/span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"love/span/span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" that./span/span/b/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"It gave me a new appreciation for Jesus’ parables, for His knack for storytelling, and His gift for talking about everyday things in a way that makes a seemingly invisible God more tangible to regular people, like, people that have never been to seminary…or to church./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I think that’s one of the things I love most about Jesus./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"He picked the most common things and made them extraordinary./span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"He took the most relatable themes; agriculture, debt, justice, parenting, and the most common items; wine, figs, seeds, and…like…baking soda and stuff, and he spun them into stories that help us better understand who we are in relation to God. /span/span/p p class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And I think that’s so important to me because I know that apart from Jesus I’m just so common. /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But when I remember that He is part of my story, it becomes something truly extraordinary. /span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I mean, I am the mother of the child that fell naked from a two-story window, the wife of an ex-cop/now international project manager, the child of an atheist turned Christian missionary. /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Can you imagine?/span/span/i/pp class="MsoNormal"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Yeah. Neither can I./span/span/pp class="MsoNormal"ibr //i/p !--EndFragment--div class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-430740118700538855?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/1RwK85RwFvI" height="1" width="1"/
I'm sorry I apologize so much.
!--StartFragment-- p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I’m a compulsive apologizer. /span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"o:p/o:p/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I’ve known this for a while. Ever since I went to a therapist a few years back (/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"I know. You’re thinking 'You, Jamie? /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"You /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"saw a therapist - /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"whatever for?!/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"'/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;") and she mentioned that I apologize a lot - like more than anyone she’d ever counseled. Or met. Or read about in books. And I was like, “I’m sorry for apologizing so much.” And her eyebrows rose in a super judgmental way, “See?” And I was all “Yeah/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"… /spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"sorry/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;".” o:p/o:p/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Basically all of my sessions with her went like that. She would point out my less productive behaviors and I would apologize for them and then I would apologize for apologizing, followed by an apology for crying. “I’m sorry, *sniff* can I have a tissue?” Finally she said, “If I had a nickel for every time you say sorry…” And I was like “You’d make a /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"whole/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"lot less/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" than what I’m actually paying you.” And she was all, “You’re right”. So I totally won that conversation.o:p/o:p/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 22pt; "span style="color: rgb(14, 14, 14); "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Shrinks don’t know /span/spansspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"shi/span/span/sspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"anything! (No offense to the many, many shrinks that read my blog.) But, for real, the one I saw had a giant spider web in a stand on her desk, and when she caught me staring at it, she was all, “Oh, that’s a Native American dream catcher.” And I was all, “No. That’s a giant yarn spider web that was made by an infant in China for about 8 cents and which you bought at Cost Plus for 22 dollars.” Then she wrote something in my ‘file’, and I was all, “Please stop writing. You’re making me SUPER uncomfortable.” And she was all “Let’s unpack that.” And I was all, “No that’s okay. Sorry I brought it up.” And then she was all, “You apologized again...” /span/span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 22pt; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="color: rgb(14, 14, 14); "/span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(14, 14, 14); "bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"“Um…s/span/span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"orry/span/span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"?”/span/span/b/span/p p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 22pt; "span style="color: rgb(14, 14, 14); "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Also. She thought Costa Rica was an /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"island/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". So there you go. But she /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"was/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" right about the crazy, incessant apologies. And, to be totally honest, it hasn’t really gotten any better. I still say “sorry” all the time. It bugs people. o:p/o:p/span/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 22pt; "span style="color: rgb(14, 14, 14); "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"My friend has been staying with us, and I’m getting the sense that she’s done with it - done hearing that I’m sorry it rained, I’m sorry that dogs barked all night, /span/spana href="http://jamiewrightcr.blogspot.com/2010/06/stuff-missionaries-like-1-driving-home.html"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"sorry she can’t flush her toilet paper/span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;", sorry the coffee maker is so slow, sorry I’ve got a cold, sorry it’s too hot, too cold, too humid. Sorry it’s not perfect, that everything isn’t perfect at all times. I think it was her, shouting, “Would you STOP apologizing all the time?!”, that tipped me off to the fact that I’m doing it an awful lot. And that it’s /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"super/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" irritating. o:p/o:p/span/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 22pt; "span style="color: rgb(14, 14, 14); "bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I think I know why I do it. /span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"o:p/o:p/span/span/span/p p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 22pt; "span style="color: rgb(14, 14, 14); "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"It’s because everything in the entire world points toward me. I can’t be certain, but I’m /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"pretty sure/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" I am the center of the universe, so, naturally, if my friend gets rained on or stubs her big toe on an uneven Costa Rican sidewalk, it will reflect poorly on me. So I apologize to her because I’m obviously doing such a poor job of running the whole world and everything in it. Of course, I realize how ridiculous that is... so I apologize some more. /span/span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 22pt; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#0E0E0E;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I need to stop./span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/span/b/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 22pt; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#0E0E0E;"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I'm going to try exchanging 'I'm sorry' for 'I'm grateful' whenever applicable./span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" And I'm going to quit apologizing for God's creation, altogether. Also? I'm going to work on being more forthcoming with the I'm sorrys that /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"are/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" my responsibility. /span/span/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 22pt; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#0E0E0E;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"So tonight when my friend gets back from her day trip and I might have said this: /span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(14, 14, 14); "ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I'm so sorry about the rain today. It's ridiculous how hard it comes down here. Sorry your stomach is bothering you. /span/span/i/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(14, 14, 14); "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I'll say something like this, instead: /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I'm so grateful for the rain today. /span/span/iispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Isn't it awesome how hard it comes down here? How's your raging diarrhea? I'm sorry I gave you food poisoning..../span/span/i/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 22pt; "span class="Apple-style-span" style=" color: rgb(14, 14, 14); "bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I think my friend will really appreciate the change, don't you?/span/span/b/span/pp class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 22pt; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#0E0E0E;"ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Do you know an unnecessary apologizer? Do the constant mutterings of "I'm sorry" make you want to strangle him or her?/span/span/span/i/span/p !--EndFragment--div class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-6027975986490393769?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/DTfVMhqYa8A" height="1" width="1"/
Don't you hate it when someone waves to you and you wave back only to realize they were waving to someone behind you. So embarrassing.
divI wonder if that ever happened to Jesus.../divdivbr //divdivbr //divdiva onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TFG2amfiLEI/AAAAAAAAAm8/hxQLQmPrkMA/s1600/Picture+5.png"img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 298px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TFG2amfiLEI/AAAAAAAAAm8/hxQLQmPrkMA/s400/Picture+5.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5499377188121750594" //abdiv style="text-align: center;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "bJesus is all, "Who...me?!"/b/span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"br //span/div/b/divdiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-2387703412357140337?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/WLvSoIAopDo" height="1" width="1"/
Stuff Missionaries Like #2: Making you think you're eating a horse's...
divspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"i....yeah./i/span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/b/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"We wait patiently/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" until your mouth is good and full, until after you’ve taken that first tentative bite and decided that, yes, you /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"can/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" eat this foreign food. You're really pleased with yourself because you have such a courageous palate./span/span/divdiv p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"That’s when we strike, asking with/span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" great amusement, “You /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"know/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" what that is, right?”/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Then we watch with delight as you stop chewing and your adam’s apple strains, willing the food only half-way swallowed to continue on its intended path toward the stomach. /span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"The cook told you it was pork, you say, debating what to do with the contents of your mouth. /span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"We chuckle knowingly, “Yeah, but she told you what it /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"really/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" is, didn’t she?”/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And all you can do is think back to that /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"thing/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" you saw her preparing./span/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/span/p/diva onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TEZawyJYObI/AAAAAAAAAm0/RRBfpbMiM8E/s1600/Picture+4.png"img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 246px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TEZawyJYObI/AAAAAAAAAm0/RRBfpbMiM8E/s320/Picture+4.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5496180189393598898" //adivbr //divdivbbr //b/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Come to think of it.../span/b/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/b/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"it didn't really /spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"look/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" like pork.../span/b/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/b/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;".../span/b/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/b/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"did it...?/span/b/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/b/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/b/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"As the color drains from your face we go in for the kill./span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;""Um. Yeah...that's a ihorse wiener/i you're eating! But it's SO good, right?!"/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"When you choke out a "For REAL?!" we say "No, it's just a /spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"really /span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"big sausage." and then we walk away leaving you to wonder about your meal. /span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Of course, it IS just a really big sausage, but clarifying would be no fun. /span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" So we let it linger./span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Missionaries do this with all kinds of foods all over the world. We tell you that you're eating cow brains, or monkey arms, or frog spawn. We imply that your morning eggs are those of an unfertilized crocodile and that the crisp bite in your salad is deep fried grasshopper. By the end of your 10 day visit, when we serve you a plate of spaghetti and meat balls, you nearly pass out imagining the possibilities./span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"You'll have to forgive us. /span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" This is how we entertain ourselves on the mission field./span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But our constant joking around with your food serves a greater purpose. /span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"The truth is, we /span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"do /span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"eat weird crap sometimes! span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"W/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"e want you to be prepared for the moment when we're all having lunch and the lady of the house serves you a bowl of soup with a giant, rubbery chicken foot sticking up out of the broth, claws and all. We want you to keep eating when you realize that what you're eating is really, truly intestines, or stomach lining, or tongue - even if it's cat tongue. And we want you to understand that there's absolutely no reason to throw away a perfectly good meal made from a dog - even if the dog was /spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"super/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" cute. /span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"It's just a fact that in some cultures simmered, coagulated balls of blood are, like, a delicacy that should /spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"not/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" be spit into a napkin. So, basically, we're doing you a favor. I mean, what are you gonna do when you come to understand that the cheese you're eating now was made in the bathtub you peed in this morning? I'll tell you what you're gonna do - You're gonna /spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"eat it, /span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"and you're gonna say "Thank you, that was delicious." And you're gonna do that because your missionary trained you to have an iron stomach!/span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"You're welcome. /span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" See? We only have your very best interest at heart. I mean, we/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" are /span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"missionaries./span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"*I almost didn't post this, but then, last night, our team that's here visiting from our home church went to a BBQ. This morning I asked my friend, Mo, what she had been served. She said, /spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;""Um. They gave us carne asada with a tortilla....and something else. I /span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"think/span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" Ernesto said it was... /spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"horse penis/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"?"/span/b/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And I had to laugh because it just never gets old.../span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"So. What's the weirdest thing you've ever had to eat with a smile on your face? /span/divdiv style="text-align: left;"br //divdiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-6927333032097802857?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/rp9_7hSkErY" height="1" width="1"/
I don't even know why I'm telling you this.
span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"When my youngest son was 3, someone asked him if he was in preschool. His answer was, /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;""I don't go to school, I go to the /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"gym/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"!"/span/span/bdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I guess you could say I was a bit of an exercise nut./span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"At/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" least/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" 4 days a week I was there, at /span/spana href="http://www.californiafamilyfitness.com/"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"California Family Fitness/span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;", kicking elliptical ass for an hour, then lifting weights, then doing a hundred million crunches on that crunch bench thingy. Always trying to push myslef harder, upping the speed, increasing weights or reps, or both, because I loved the way I felt after a really hard workout. I love that day-three muscle soreness. You know what I'm talking about? The lactic acid build up that makes it hurt s/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"o good?!/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"...Yeeeah, you know the feeling. I looove that feeling!/span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Honestly? Canceling our gym membership before we left was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I put it off as long as I could and when the time came, I ran in, signed the papers as fast as possible, got back in my car and cried. /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Sobbed /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"is probably a better descriptor/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Saying goodbye to my gym was almost as hard as saying goodbye to my parents./span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" Not even kidding. It had been such a huge part of my life, and I was worried about what things would look like without it. But not just that I couldn't keep rocking a chick six-pack and arms that rivaled Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2. No, there were /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"other/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" benefits to the gazillion hours I spent in that place that I really didn't want to live without./span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"The gym enriched my life. No, really, I /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"mean/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" that. It made me a better person./span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"In case you haven't noticed, I have... /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"issues/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". /span/spana href="http://jamiewrightcr.blogspot.com/2009/11/neurosis-and-their-missionaries.html"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I can be /span/span/aia href="http://jamiewrightcr.blogspot.com/2009/11/neurosis-and-their-missionaries.html"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"a little/span/span/a/ia href="http://jamiewrightcr.blogspot.com/2009/11/neurosis-and-their-missionaries.html"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" OCD./span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" I struggle with depression (ok, I /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"think/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" it's depression, it might just be that I'm a huge bitch). Also? I used to fiddle around with eating disorders and by 'fiddle around' I mean starve myself/stuff myself/gag myself with a toothbrush. /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I'm /span/span/bibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"adorable. /span/span/b/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I know./span/span/b/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"The thing about the gym was that it allowed me to work out alot of that junk in a healthy way. Exercise relieved anxiety which relieved my compulsiveness, it increased all the good chemically junk in my body and decreased the bad, which all but /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"eliminated /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"depression from my life, and it improved my body which improved my body /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"image/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" which certainly helped with eating problems. Working out just made me /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"feel good. /span/span/ibspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But the really huge things was that I used that time to pray. A big block of time to focus on God alone, with headphones in my ears and nothing but my own heart beat to distract me. That's priceless./span/span/b/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I thought that I'd keep up on my good habits when we got settled in to life in Costa Rica. But I confess I haven't. In fact, I don't do a lot of the good things I used to do anymore. I don't drink enough water, and I don't feed myself very well, and I certainly don't get that kind of time in with God. /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And everyday, I think to myself today is the day I'm going to start working out again. Every. single. day. I say, "You know what? I'm gonna go for a run today!" or "I'm gonna read a book while I ride my stationary bike!" And I hardly ever comply with my own wishes. /span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Seriously, I suck. What kind of person sucks at doing what they enjoy and want to do?! This is ridiculous./span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"The worst part is that I KNOW that what's holding me back is the very same depression and ocd that would /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"go away/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" if I would get started on a new healthy routine and stay on it. And I KNOW that if I had a healthier body, I would stop grabbing handfuls of my own rear-end like a cheeseburger to demonstrate what a disgusting wreck I am and barraging myself with insults, which - as you might imagine - I am pretty darn good at./span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"It's like I know what I should do but I don't do it and what I shouldn't do is exactly what I do do. /span/span/b/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Whoa - that /span/spana href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%207:15amp;version=NIV"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"sounds familiar/span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"!/span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Anyway. I miss the gym. My mushy butt and soft belly and arms that flap like flamingo wings miss the gym. /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"My heart misses the gym, on so many levels./span/span/b/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I guess I'm telling you all of this because I feel like if I put it out there then I can't keep ignoring it. Ya know? Like, now I basically HAVE to go put on some running shoes and move my hind quarters because if I don't then I'll feel like a real douche. /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Ah...there's nothing like a little bit of internet accountability to keep a girl on her game. /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Of course, if you ask me in a month how I'm doing I could totally lie because you're wherever you are and I'm here in paradise/my own personal hell where no one can ever find me. But I won't lie. Unless nothing's changed....then I/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" might/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"....but probably not..../span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#990000;"br //span/span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#990000;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"(Dear supporter, /span/span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#990000;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"I am not about to throw myself off a bridge. And I'm not engaging in any eating disorder type activities as of late. I'm just /span/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#990000;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"thinking /span/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#990000;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"about it, and there's a really big difference. As always, thanks for understanding and not freaking out and overreacting and getting me fired when I share stuff like this on my blog. You're rad!/span/span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#990000;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"Truly, ~Jamie/span/span/span/divdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';color:#990000;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"p.s. The "personal hell" thing was a joke. My life is awesome! Like, so awesome that if I start talking about how awesome it is, you'll probably start feeling really bad about your own life, and that's not cool. But I wanted you to know that I was just kidding.)/span/span/divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-8940458569778916134?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/xqOB37xLA8E" height="1" width="1"/
Tough.
p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"One time, a dude grabbed my butt on the street./span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" It’s true./span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"A couple of months after we got to Costa Rica, I was walking home after Spanish classes and a guy started following me on his bike. He rode about 20 feet behind me for a block or so, and then he started to get closer. A couple of times, he zipped past /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"way/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" too close, obviously reaching for something, only to turn around and resume his spot just behind me. I thought he was trying to snag my backpack, so I started walking really...really...sloooowwwwly.... /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I know - /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"counterintuitive./span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" When someone is following you, you’re supposed to get away /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"fast/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". But, when someone is following you on a bike? Well, sometimes the best thing you can do is mess with their intertia until they fall over. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"So that’s what I did. I screwed with his inertia by walking like a had two wooden legs. While I inched along, I planned out how I would ask the guard on my street to save me from this creeper using a vocabulary limited to ‘Things you can buy at the market’ and ‘Things you can find in a house’. I decided on, /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"“Please, sir. The fresh boy on bicycle at my back want consume the wrapped sheet of books I wear.”/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" And I just knew that if I could make it to the drunk, toothless guard in front of my house I would be safe. He would protect me. He would use the broken, empty revolver he kept tucked in his pants pocket to run this turd off. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But the slowing down thing seemed to work. Creepy dude got sick of having to whip his handlebars back and forth to stay upright, and finally, he rode off, past the turn to my street. I ditched the cement feet act and bolted toward my house, but I hadn’t made it to my block before he reappeared. He came back fast, skipped up onto the sidewalk, /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"right/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" in front of me, and stopped my forward momentum with the front tire of his bike. As I reached back to protect my backpack, he reached forward - to grab/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" my butt/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"./span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"“Que Rico!” /span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" That’s what perverts on bicycles say when they grab your butt on the sidewalk in Costa Rica. Ask anyone. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"This is the part in the story where people say things like, /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"“What did you do?! Boy, that guy picked the wrong girl to mess with! Did you slap that little punk? Did you punch him? What did you/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" SAY?!/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"”/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". Their eyes gleam with anticipation, ready to hear how I kicked him in the nuts, or/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" whatever./span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" This is the part where I get called a “tough cookie” and God gets thanked for giving me “thick skin”. The disappointment registers clearly on their faces as they hear the truth. “I cried.” /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I stepped over his bike tire, and ran home.../span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"crying/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"That’s /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"what I did./span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I get hate mail./span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" To be honest, it’s probably the nicest hate mail you could imagine. It comes from really nice people, nicely telling me that they find the things I write not nice. They say it’s unsavory, or unwholesome, or that it’s “satan-pleasing-evil-from-the-fiery-depths-of-hell” or whatever. And I believe they are well intentioned. I believe they want good things for me and for the world, and I think they’re /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"trying/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" to help me by encouraging me to be more like /span/span/spanspan style="text-decoration: line-through ; letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Jesus/span/span/spanspan style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" them. I read the things they have to say and, if they are well reasoned, I might think on them a bit. Otherwise, I delete them. /span/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I also get /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"love /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"mail/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"; emails from cool people. People that really like The Very Worst Missionary, and seem to understand what it stands for. Sometimes, among the encouragements, I see things like “I wish I could be that honest on my blog.”, or “You have the guts to say what others are thinking.” or “Damn girl, how do you get away with this stuff?!”. Often, people want to know who our sending agency is because of the insane freedom I am allowed on my blog. I read these emails and they make me smile, they make me want to keep writing. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Sometimes I think that the freedom I feel to say the things on my mind is interpreted as some kind of brazen toughness. Which is cool, /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"except that I’m not tough/span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". I mean, I may not be the most /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"sensitive/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" person in the world, I’m not easy to rattle, and I’m certainly not going to fall to pieces when a stranger from the interwebs rebukes me, having never met me. But I am not tough. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" I am../span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"You know what I am? I’m /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"safe/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". /span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"There’s a /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"really/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" big difference. /span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'times new roman';font-size:medium;" /span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"See. I have these/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"amazing people in my life - people who know me, who can hear the actual sound of my voice in the things that I write, people who knew me before I was a missionary, some who knew me before I was a /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Christian - /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"and these people have given me the freedom to be who I am. EVEN if who I am looks really different from who they are. These people /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"know/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" that I have a longing for God’s heart, and sometime I fail to find it - and they’re ok with that. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"iTHEY/i are the reason that some might perceive me as tough. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"They have given me a soft place to land when I fall flat on my face. They have been Christ to me, and I feel secure in /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Him/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". I’m safe because I /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"know/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" that these people will not withhold their love from me, even if I disappoint them. /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And neither will my God./span/span/b/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"b/b/span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"When I was molested by that creeper on the bike, I felt alone and afraid. My instinct didn’t tell me to make a fist around my keys and get ready to stab him in the eye - it said get to the guard, he’ll protect you. I didn’t want to be tough, I wanted to be/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" saved/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"What I want you to know is that I have a heart. And it’s actually kind of tender. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"When you say shitty things to me, it may not rock my world, but it still /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"hurts/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". And when you say awesome, kind things to me, it itotally/i lifts me up. If I were a tough person, I wouldn’t care at all about emails from strangers, good or bad, I’d just slip into my brass knuckles and start throwing bows. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But I’m not “tough cookie”, remember? /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I run away crying. /span/span/i/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I think that’s why I love what’s happening here, on the VWM, so much. This place has simply become an extension of the freedom I’ve been allowed in my “real” life. Freedom to try and fail. Freedom to do it all wrong. Or how about the freedom to be completely awesome once in a while! I have freedom to be part of a community of people who look around at the church and its place in the world, shrug their shoulders, and say “this can’t be right” and at the same time to pat each other on the back and say “well done” when we do hit the nail on the head. /span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for the living, breathing body of Christ around me. The church family that says “Go, Jamie, go! We are right behind you!” /span/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I live boldly because of the safety they afford me./span/span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" This is the real deal, the real /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"church. /span/span/i/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bbr //b/span/span/i/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bThis is a safe place. /b/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"br //span/i/b/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"This is what I want for/span you./b/span/span/i/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bbr //b/span/span/i/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bbr //b/span/span/i/pdiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-4754436529967987394?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/8Lh-E_W2Dco" height="1" width="1"/
If you can't spank 'em, join 'em.
divspan class="Apple-style-span" style=";font-family:'times new roman';font-size:medium;"bOk, ladies... I have a question./b /span/div p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica; min-height: 14px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"Why are we /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"still/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" using our butts as billboards? Seriously. I want to know. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica; min-height: 14px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"I’ve brought this up before. Remember?...a href="http://jamiewrightcr.blogspot.com/2010/05/missionaries-probably-shouldnt-be.html"when I became BFF’s with a stripper from Reno on an airplane to San Francisco/a? Her butt said “Juicy”. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica; min-height: 14px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"Honestly, I never intended to rehash this subject. I’m not exactly qualified at this point in my life to be handing out fashion advice since my clothing allowance is zero dollars per month and my wardrobe consists of no more than every color of $4 Old Navy tank top ever made by a Taiwanese 7 year old. But last week, on the bus ride home from Panama City, this lady climbed on board wearing pink sweats with a word emblazoned on her backside in sparkling, eye-catching sliver./span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica; min-height: 14px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"“Provocative”/span/b/span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica; min-height: 14px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"That’s what her butt said. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica; min-height: 14px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"And I'm just gonna say this - Um. That’s a/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" long/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" word. /span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style=";font-family:'times new roman';font-size:medium;" If I’m gonna wear a word on my butt, it’s NOT gonna have 4 syllables. /span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica; min-height: 14px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"Then I sat on the bus for 16 hours pondering the whole mess we’ve created by literating our lady lumps. Even if we can completely rid ourselves of this awful,i awful/i attempt at cuteness in the U.S., all of those naughty velour pants purged from GoodWill warehouses in the states would ultimately end up in the tiny “Ropa Americana” outlets throughout Latin America and for the next 20 years I’ll be running into chubby 60 year old ladies from El Salvador with words like “superfly” and “hot couture” slapped across their old-lady asses. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica; min-height: 14px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"It did occur to me that notspan style="font-style: italic;" all /spanof these sweats are trying too hard to be overtly sexual. Sometimes girls wear these stupid pants to simply show their school spirit. To say, “Look! I go to USC!” or “Look! My boyfriend goes to USC!” or “Look! I bought these sweats at the USC bookstore when my brother was looking at colleges but he signed up for the Navy, instead!” /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica; min-height: 14px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"The thing is, I thought it was, like, an /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"insult/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" to sit on something. In my head, if you hate someone, a href="http://jamiewrightcr.blogspot.com/2009/10/there-is-big-exciting-change-afoot-in.html"you put your butt on their pillow/a. Growing up, if my brother wanted to torture me, he would threaten my favorite My Little Pony with an exposed butt cheek. That’s just how it is. You should only be sitting on the initials of schools that you think /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"suck/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';". And if you happen to like your alma mater,/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" buy a hat/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" for God’s sake. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica; min-height: 14px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"So I came up with a solution. /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';" bTwo,/b/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"b actually./b/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica; min-height: 14px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"The first is obvious. We need to round up all of these ridiculous pants and burn them. /span/span/spanspan style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"That’s the only solution with any kind of finality. Otherwise, like I said, they’ll all eventually end up /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"here/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';". And that’s just not fair, you know....for /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"me/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';". Although,/span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style=";font-family:'times new roman';font-size:medium;" it’s not likely that we could get everyone to give up their butt-vertisements willingly, and the last thing we should be doing, as Christians, is creating some kind of horrid sweatpants Gestapo.br //span/pp style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span class="Apple-style-span" style=";font-family:'times new roman';font-size:medium;"br //span/pp style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span class="Apple-style-span" style=";font-family:'times new roman';font-size:medium;"So the only other reasonable thing to do is fight fire with fire. I mean, we are talking about prime marketing real-estate, here. We, as the church, should take advantage of it. So, I think we can take this travesty and turn it around. That's why I've come up with a line of Faith based butt-sayings. /span/pp style="margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"br //span/span/span/pp style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bThink about it - Instead of a href="http://failblog.org/2010/07/16/epic-fail-photos-sweatpants-fail/"this walking /a/b/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"ba href="http://failblog.org/2010/07/16/epic-fail-photos-sweatpants-fail/"disaster,./a../b/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"b /b/span/span/span/pa onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TEI0V8hoVQI/AAAAAAAAAms/T3hrQJZM0Ns/s1600/Picture+5.png"img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 242px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TEI0V8hoVQI/AAAAAAAAAms/T3hrQJZM0Ns/s320/Picture+5.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5495012046974506242" border="0" //adivp style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font: 12px Helvetica;"span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"b...you could be wearing one of these, and actually doing some good in the world!/b/span/span/span/p/divdiva onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TEI0MtzW0MI/AAAAAAAAAmk/hD-E5q6pAeE/s1600/Picture+7.png"img style="text-align: left; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 216px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TEI0MtzW0MI/AAAAAAAAAmk/hD-E5q6pAeE/s400/Picture+7.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5495011888403501250" border="0" //abr //divdivI know. I'm like a genius or something. Why are Christian book stores not already filled with stretchy pants sporting rear-end crosses, and cheeky angel wings, and favorite all-time verses? This idea is nothing less than...i style="font-weight: bold;"provocative/ispan style="font-weight: bold;"./span You just watch, in six months Beth Moore will turn around while teaching at a conference packed with home school Moms and Women's ministries devotees, and her rump, glittering with rhinestones, will shout "Righteous" to the masses. /divdivbr //divdiv style="font-weight: bold;"An hour later, I'll be rich. span style="font-style: italic;" /spanYou'll see. /divdivbr //divdivSorry. This is what happens when you tie me to a chair for 16 hours.br /br /Oh, and leave a suggestion for a Christian Butt Slogan in the comments and when this baby takes off I'll span style="font-style: italic;"totally /spangive you a cut of the profits, you know, split the booty with you. (Get it?)span style="font-weight: bold;" Anyway. This is gonna be /spanspan style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"huge/spanspan style="font-weight: bold;".../spanbr //divdivbr //divdiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-274504697514093935?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/B1NBCWrkqLs" height="1" width="1"/
Junk about Panama City.
div style="text-align: left;"The 16 hour bus ride wasn't ideal. The five of us were spread out from the front of the bus to the back, shivering in the arctic cold, and as if we weren't miserable enough, they showed dubbed movies featuring Wesley Snipes. After a four hour stop at the border, and a short prayer to die quickly of heat stroke, we re-boarded our wintery coach to find we had each been gifted a paper wrapped sandwich. Ham and cheese with pink saucy stuff and little bits of pickles. Mine was missing the ham part. /divdiv style="text-align: left;"br //divimg src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TECs7_BiWfI/AAAAAAAAAlU/0mAN_X4nmTI/s400/Picture+6.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5494581691922143730" style="direction: rtl;float: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 296px; " /divdivWe could not wait to get off that bus and checked in to our hotel. (Which had been chosen based on affordability and the fact the they allowed me to book a room for 5 people - not a room iwith/i room for 5, mind you). /divdivbr //divdivImagine how pleased we were when the pulling back of those awesome hotel black out curtains revealed that our room had a view of THE Panama Canal beneath the Bridge of the Americas. /divdivbr //divdivbTry and tell me that's not /bibAMAZING!/b/i/divdivibbr //b/i/divdivibbr //b/i/divdivibbr //b/i/divdivbibr //i/b/divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivimg style="direction: rtl;float: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 238px; " src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TEDMqmCSy7I/AAAAAAAAAmM/zndTSS2XV5Y/s320/Picture+5.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5494616577528744882" //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivPanama City is a thriving metropolis..../divimg style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 299px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TECznSof1bI/AAAAAAAAAls/bCPeL_JTol0/s400/Picture+8.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5494589032989971890" /div /divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdiv style="text-align: right;"....and a colonial relic. /divdiv style="text-align: right;"br //divdiv style="text-align: right;"It just depends on which direction you're looking. /divdiv style="text-align: right;"br //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivimg style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TECknFkIp1I/AAAAAAAAAlM/8fQCKp0jmf0/s400/Picture+5.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5494572536807597906" //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivOk. I just have to show this because I fell in ilove /iwith this old mosaic floor. /divdivbr //divdivThe building to which it once belonged has long since fallen away to rubble, but these tiny tiles remain in the entry. As welcoming as ever. /divdivbr //divdivbI know, I'm corny, but I really, really, really like it./b/divdivdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbMost of the trip, we looked happy, like this:/b/divdivimg style="text-align: center;float: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 307px; " src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TECy7SV71xI/AAAAAAAAAlc/tzP1WGj_VDg/s400/Picture+10.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5494588276997871378" /span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#0000EE;"div style="text-align: center;"br //div/span/divdiv style="text-align: center;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"This pic was taken ijuuuust/i before we accidentally walked 8 miles back to our hotel to save the $2 cab fare. In defense of our stupidness, we were told it was only 4 kilometers. /divdiv style="text-align: left;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"We made it back in the pitch black with bats swooping around our heads because of a big fat power outage that cut out all the lights along the path. Creepy./divdiv style="text-align: left;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"bThen, no one was smiling. /b/divdiv style="text-align: left;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"But, man, I LOVE this picture! /divdiv style="text-align: center;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"bbr //b/divdiv style="text-align: left;"bbr //b/divdiv style="text-align: center;"bNow, I give you this shot to serve as proof of two important facts:/b/divdivimg src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TECkbrr9beI/AAAAAAAAAlE/oMPxswuZ4nM/s400/Picture+4.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5494572340882533858" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 360px; height: 400px; " /1. I was there./divdiv2. Long bangs are super cute, unless it's totally hot and humid. Then they just make you look like a greasy dirt-bag./divbr //div/divdivbr //divdiv style="text-align: center;"This was BY FAR the biggest disappointment of the trip:/divdivimg src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TEDDqNCBNfI/AAAAAAAAAmE/a27iZpTeegE/s400/Picture+7.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5494606675212056050" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 281px; " /a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TEDAdTQsCxI/AAAAAAAAAl8/SESfl6m9-ko/s1600/Picture+5.png"/aa href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TEDAdTQsCxI/AAAAAAAAAl8/SESfl6m9-ko/s1600/Picture+5.png"/aa href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TEDAdTQsCxI/AAAAAAAAAl8/SESfl6m9-ko/s1600/Picture+5.png"/a/divdivYeah, someone decided that closing Dunkin' Donuts for the day was acceptable. Which obviously ruined my plans to carry a million dozen back into Costa Rica with me. iJerks./i /divdiv style="text-align: center;"br //divdiv style="text-align: center;"bMy favorite quote:/b/divdivimg src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TEDOK57IJ5I/AAAAAAAAAmU/mhSOA1ctUBg/s400/Picture+4.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5494618232134838162" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 309px; " //divdiv style="text-align: center;""bMom. I checked. They don't add the junk 'til they add the giant chicken/b." - Jamison/divdiv style="text-align: center;"br //divdiv style="text-align: center;"ba href="http://stevenwrightcr.blogspot.com/2010/07/our-bellies-were-hugging-ewwww.html?utm_source=twitterfeedamp;utm_medium=facebook""It's like his belly was giving my belly a hug. *yeesh*" - /a/ba href="http://stevenwrightcr.blogspot.com/2010/07/our-bellies-were-hugging-ewwww.html?utm_source=twitterfeedamp;utm_medium=facebook"El Chupacabra/a/divdiv style="text-align: center;"br //divdiv style="text-align: center;""bI prefer my shrimp/bib not/b/ib in the form of popcorn./b" - Jamison, again/divdiv style="text-align: center;"br //divdiv style="text-align: center;""bPanama City is the Miami of the south, except more English is spoken./b"/divdiv style="text-align: center;" - Hotel guide book/divdiv style="text-align: center;"br //divdiv style="text-align: center;""bI'm a gordita, but I need to be comfortable./b" - the lady in the bus seat next to mine, while unbuttoning and unzipping her pants. iIn my face/i./divdiv style="text-align: center;"br //divdiv style="text-align: center;"And then there was this whole episode where, as a family, we invented an entirely new super hero who goes by the name of Captain Sturdy Turd and can build a hardy, life-saving dam faster than you can say 'who's yer daddy'. I'd tell you more, but it seems to teeter on the edge of not-safe-for-work... especially if you work in a church. So nevermind. Forget I ever brought it up./divdiv style="text-align: center;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"Anyway..../divdiv style="text-align: left;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"I feel weird about saying this because I'm really bad at talking about money, but I'm gonna do it anyway because this ineeds/i to be said. While we were there, and even before we left, people started clicking on that little Paypal button over there -------- and giving us money to help with the unexpected expense of this trip. I cannot even begin to say how incredibly grateful we are for each of those gifts. And we want to offer a heartfelt thank you to each of you that gave simply because you saw a need that you could help meet. That kind of selflessness truly does inspire me. Sooooo....iThanks!! /iboth for the gift and for the inspiration!/divdiv style="text-align: left;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"So now we're back. And we're no longer illegal aliens. bWhew - /bibthat's/b/ib a relief! /b And we had an insanely fun, crazy, relaxing, adventurous time in Panama City, reconnecting as a family. So, in addition to the whole renewed Visa thing, we had this whole renewed relationships thing going on. /divdiv style="text-align: left;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"It was cool. /divdiv style="text-align: left;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"It iis/i cool. And it's good to be home.../divdiv style="text-align: left;"br //divdiv style="text-align: left;"(Oh, and I promise to write a real post soon. iPromise!/i)/divdiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-7725361685654211028?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/A9HNI0uzWh8" height="1" width="1"/
Because freaking out is what I DO.
p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Sort of like a last minute forced vacation because Costa Rica is cracking down on illegal immigration, and we...are.../span/span/spanspan style="font: 9.0px Helvetica; letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"illegal immigrants/span/span/spanspan style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"./span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Yeah, I said it. We’re illegal./span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" OK/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"?/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bHow /b/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bembarrassing./b/span/span/i/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"i/i/span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"See, the deal is that Costa Rica only allows a 90 day stay on a tourist Visa. You’re supposed to leave /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"before/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" that 3 month period is up. Aaaand you have to provide proof, like an airline ticket or a bus ticket, showing that you will, indeed, be leaving within that timeframe. When we arrived, this wasn’t really a big deal. Gringos, *ahem* /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"like us,/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" overstayed their Visas all the time, for years and years consecutively, and never had any trouble getting back in to the country if they left. Until recently, we had never been asked to show proof we would be leaving again within 90 days. But, the thing about living in a developing nation is that, well, it’s/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" developing/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". Things are changing, improving (/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"mostly/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"), and the government is becoming more present through revisions in infrastructure, public safety, and /span/spanbispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"law/span/span/i/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"It’s the “law” part that’s coming in to play here./span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666600;"woah! I think I just heard my kid puke! I’m sitting in the waiting room at the orthodontist where he just got his braces off - they’re doing impressions for retainers...Oh, /span/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666600;"yeah/span/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666600;" - that’s definite pukage. *gag*/span/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bSo....anyway..../b/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"...Costa Rica changed some laws in January, increasing penalties for illegal immigrants. /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Like me/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". And they’ve really gotten serious about that whole “proof of exit” thing. They made El Chupacabra buy a roundtrip airline ticket last time he returned to Costa Rica. i(You should totally know that Spirit Air is a dirty liar, and when they say “fully refundable” they mean “fully creditable” /i/span/span/spanspan style="font: 9.0px Helvetica; letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"that doesn’t seem like a real word, but spellcheck says it is/span /i/span/span/spanspan style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"iand now we have, like, $800 dollars in credit for the worlds most useless airline!)/i So, since we think being denied reentry to the country that we’ve come to call home would be an absolute nightmare, we’ve decided to go ahead apply for residency. /span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'times new roman';font-size:medium;"The problem is that we don’t have all the documents we need to start the process, and we won’t have them until we come back from California in January. That means two trips out of the country between now and then to renew our Visas and stay legal, bwhich totally sucks./b/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Don’t get me wrong, we like to travel, and we can /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"really /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"use this little break. BUT. We have this pesky little thing called a “budget” - I know, I know, how very 1950’s - and we haven’t “budgeted” for these two trips. So while it’s will be fun to get away, we really, really,/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" really/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;", can’t afford it. Like in any way. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bAnd if you’re thinking that I’m crazy because traveling in Central America is super cheap and /b/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"banyone/b/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"b can afford it, then I’m thinking that you’re, like, 22 years old and have the freedom to sleep in a freaking hammock for $1 a night. Good for you./b /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Yes, a round trip ticket to Panama City is $94. Yes, that’s totally cheap. Multiply it by 5 - now it’s NOT cheap. Now do the same thing for all your travel needs. $4 meals? Awesome, SO cheap - Times 5 for breakfast, lunch, and dinner over 4 days - yeah, now you’re screwed. bSee how it adds up?/b /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Oh, and I haven’t even /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"gotten/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" to the part where I whine about the SIXTEEN hour bus ride to get there. 16 HOURS! On a bus. /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"each. way/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"./span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"So here we go. Smack in the middle of our busiest time at work, we’re hopping on a bus to fulfill our obligation of 72 hours outside of the country, and we’re just /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"praying/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" they’ll let us back in. And I almost forgot to mention that I think a href="http://stevenwrightcr.blogspot.com/"El Chupacabra /ais limping around on a broken foot that he injured at football practice on Wednesday, which he refuses to have looked at - you’ll love this - because the hotel has a /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"pool/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bThis is just one example of the/b/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"b how badly /b/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bhe needs this down time - Obviously not thinking clearly!/b/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Ok. I’m done. bThanks for letting me vent./b /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I’m not going to complain about this anymore. This is gonna be ifun/i. It’s an /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"adventure/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". 32 hours of round trip bussing will give me/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"a lot/span/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" of time to ipray/i, right? And even though it’s not in the budget, I can rest assured that we will NEVER starve to death.... and if we do, I’ve heard that’s a pretty good way to go, so that’s encouraging./span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"No. Really?b I need to stop freaking out!/b /span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'times new roman';font-size:medium;"I am thankful for this trip, even if it wasn’t my idea. I’m excited for some uninterrupted time as a family. And I’m looking forward to relaxing with a book or seven on the long quiet drive. So that will be cool. And I think I’m gonna let God handle the rest; the money, the Visa issues, the me being a giant whiny baby all the time. He’s proven Himself trustworthy with all that junk in the past, soooo.... Sheesh, I don’t even know why I worry in the first place.../span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Alrighty then. bI'm going to Panama City because /bibthis/b/ib is my life. Kinda cool, huh. /b/span/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'times new roman';font-size:medium;"br //span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"/span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'times new roman';font-size:medium;"Buh-bye. /span/pdivspan style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"br //span/divdiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-337291736322953427?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/LHFCxxPhmIs" height="1" width="1"/
Yeah, I have my doubts.
p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bMy friends ask me if I have doubts. /b/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"They ask if I ever doubt the existence of God. Or sometimes they ask if I wonder wether we’ve misinterpreted His calling on our lives. But what they’re /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"really/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" asking is if I worry that we’ve left our stable income and fancy retirement plan and hip little house in the suburbs, complete with 42 inch flat screen and Turkish travertine floors, and uprooted our children to drag our sorry butts to Central America, all to serve a God that maybe doesn’t exist, or doesn’t care, or, perhaps, just doesn’t want us here. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bWhen I’m being honest, I say yes. /b/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I have doubts. I mean, /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"really/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" - have you /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"met/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" me? This is not my life. This is not my dream. This dream belongs to the girl that invited me to Christian camp in the 7th grade. The one I wasn’t allowed to go to because my Dad didn’t want some weak-minded-Bible-thumping-Jesus-freak shoving the propaganda of organized religion down his daughter’s throat. I’m not exactly the selfless, smiling, modestly dressed missionary you imagine serving her family tuna-casserole twice a week. I’m not that woman, and I wasn’t that girl. I /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"never/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" wanted to be a missionary. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bDon’t think I don’t feel bad about that either./b /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bI do. /b/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Stealing someone else’s dream is a rotten thing to do. I feel really bad when I think that maybe there’s been some giant cosmic error, and God sent the wrong chick. And that poor girl, the one living my life? I think of her standing in a Manhattan loft over looking Central Park, the Nanny’s out with the kids. Her fingers are gliding along the pearls at her throat, and she’s wondering how it is that her new Manolo Blahniks fit her like a glove, but the rest of her life is all.../span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"wrong/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". Poor thing. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bOk./b/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I don’t /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"actually/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" believe that I’m the living, breathing, consequence of some divine mistake (man, I would be /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"so/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" bitter if that were the case.), but I usually don’t bother explaining to my curious non-Christian friends that my doubts lie not with God, but with the church./span/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bI’ve met an awful lot of Christians that seem to think they’ve got it all figured out, but span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "bI highly doubt they’re right. /b /span/b/span/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "I doubt they know God as well as they think. /span/b/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I doubt that God thinks they’re as awesome as they act. /span/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; "I doubt I’m even close to getting it right, either./span/span/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman', serif;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bbr //b/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And I have no doubt that I was chosen for this life, but bI sometimes doubt that it was a good choice/b./span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you I’m not exactly the poster-child for gentleness and kindness. The truth is, I find most people.../span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"irritating/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". a href="http://jamiewrightcr.blogspot.com/2010/01/i-want-you-to-know-this-was-not-my-idea.html"I don’t like being poor/a, a href="http://jamiewrightcr.blogspot.com/2010/06/i-like-you-just-dont-touch-me.html"I don’t want to be touched/a, and a href="http://jamiewrightcr.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-really-really-do.html"I’m pretty much entirely self-oriented/a, hell, I don’t even recycle all the time. I’m an odd choice for this job, to say the least. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bBut I doubt God didn’t factor all of that in.../b/span/span/span/pdiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-3217035280995571670?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/NTud5RE5hlw" height="1" width="1"/
Wait. Arson is illegal, right?
p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I/span/b/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"’ve never smelled a dead body...that I /span/b/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"know of/span/b/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"./span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But if I had to guess, I’d say it smells an awful lot like the inside of my car. Ever since Sunday when I spilled 2% milk in the backseat, the smell has been indescribably gag-worthy. It sort of makes me want to cry. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Not that it smelled /span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"good/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" in my cari before /ithe dairy disaster. No, this 98’ Hyundai Galloper used to bear the unique mark of its most usual cargo; /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"men/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;", young and old. /spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"So, yeah, it was already kind of disgusting./span/bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" I mean, I don’t know if ‘that’s-what-she-said’ jokes qualify as an odor, but that’s definitely what my car smelled like. Kinda like a lingering fart with sweaty, nutty undertones.../span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Now it just smells like death. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And I’m thinking about setting it on fire. /span/b/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Unless you have a better idea./span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"The funny thing is that this car has been through so much already. It’s sad to think that a quart of milk might be it’s undoing. It’s been stolen, and crashed, and the head cracked in half, and the a/c petered out, and 3 out of 4 windows refuse to go up and down, and sometimes the headlights don’t work. And it squeaks a lot. So it’s kind of embarrassing in the parking lot at the mall because everybody stops to stare and small children cover their ears, as I bounce by in my Galloper, squeaking and squealing and screeching into a spot. But even with all of the problems, this car has been good to us. /span/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman', serif;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/span/spanimg style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 261px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_s7WlcJ_k35w/TC1RmTHPuII/AAAAAAAAAk4/C4NLDAc9ST4/s320/Picture+14.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5489133239242045570" //span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"bspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I think the moral of this story is that everything I touch turns to crap./span/b/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"If I set my car on fire, I’ll rewrite this to include something about the stink being like sin, and how we need to subject our lives to God’s refining fire. As it stands,/spanbspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" I’m having trouble seeing God’s hand in the nausea created by the stench of rotten milk perfumed by a half gallon of Febreze and a vanilla scented pine tree hanging from the rear view mirror./span/b/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman', serif;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" It’s making me sick just thinking about it. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bSo let’s take a vote: Torch it? or Live in horror?/b/span/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman', serif;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman', serif;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"You know what this reminds me of? How weird it is to see couches on the side of the road that have been burned until nothing remains but the frame and springs. I always think, "What kind of crime do you have to commit on your couch that makes you say 'take it out and burn it'. I mean, /spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"obviously/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;", something horrible happened on that couch..." But maybe I've been wrong all this time. Weird, I know. But, maybe no one's been murdered on all these crispy couches and they've just been set ablaze because of an unfortunate spill, which would be totally understandable, and forgivable, too. /span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman', serif;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman', serif;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"No, really, please tell me how to get rid of the stink. Before it ends up causing a divorce...or a fire./span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman', serif;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman', serif;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/pdiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-7223134150488272128?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/1aOz_O5RwY0" height="1" width="1"/
Stuff Missionaries Like: #1 Driving home the importance of not flushing your TP.
p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#990000;"First, a thousand apologies to /span/span/spana href="http://stuffchristianslike.net/"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#990000;"John Acuff of Stuff Christians Like/span/span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#990000;" and /span/span/spana href="http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#990000;"Christian Lander of Stuff White People Like/span/span/span/aspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#990000;". Sorry I ganked your ideas. (This must be what sloppy seconds feels like, but worse, because it's thirds.)/span/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman', serif;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bbr //b/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bInevitably, we have the same conversation with all of our first time house guests./b This scenario is played out all over the world in missionary homes, everyday. It’s the one where we have to explain that, yes, the rumors are true, you ican/i/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"inot/i/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"i /iflush your used toilet paper in _______ (insert country here). There are a whole slew of places that lack the plumbing and infrastructure to whisk away your dirty ditties, and it's our job, as your missionaries, to explain it and enforce it. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Now, if you are anything like our guests, you’re experiencing one of two things right now. You are either /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"totally/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" cool with that information, shrugging your shoulders, like, ‘/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"okay/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;", no biggie’ or you are /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"completely disgusted /span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"and overwhelmed by the single question running through your mind - If you can’t flush it, /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"what/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" do you /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"do/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" with it?/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Well...you throw it away./span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Yes, like in the garbage can. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Yes, where other people might see it. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"No, it doesn’t stink./span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"No, we don’t put it in ziplock sandwich baggies. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"No, we aren’t grossed out. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Yes, we do empty the bathroom garbage cans./span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"No. Not every time./span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And then we explain, for emphasis, thatb it’s kind of imperative that you/b/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"b do not flush anything/b/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"b that wasn’t created by (or possibly rejected by) your digestive system/b. We don’t say it outright - but we might /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"imply/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" that if you flush a wad of paper (or a neat, efficient fold - if that’s your thing), Costa Rica will explode, triggering Armageddon and the end of humanity as we know it. So, just, /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"be careful./span/span/i/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"i/i/span/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bAnd it’s true, too./b/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I mean, the part about how we don’t flush our paper because our pipes can’t handle it. So it’s not like we’re making this stuff up to make your cross-cultural experience more uncomfortable. This is how we live. It’s what we do... er.. /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"don’t/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" do. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And we really, really appreciate how seriously our guests take this request. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"We had one couple that, straight up, couldn’t handle the thought of potentially seeing each others fecal remnants. So they asked for a supply of plastic grocery sacks, which they used to immediately dispose of their own stuff/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"./span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" The secrecy and speed with which they made trips to the outside garbage can might have made you think that were taking turns strangling puppies and getting rid of the evidence. span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica, serif; "span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"But as odd as that may seem, it’s nothing compared to the surprisingly frequent confessions we receive regarding the “fishing” of used TPi out /iof the toilet. Not even kidding. Some people, upon realizing that they’ve accidentally made the drop, see fit to immediately pluck the paper out of the miry depths, lest flushing it /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"actually/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" blow up Costa Rica./span/span/span/span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bCan you/b/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"b imagine/b/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"b?!.../b/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bfishing it out?!/b/span/span/i/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"You would be amazed at how often I have heard this confession. /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"Amazed/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;". And every time, I think the same thing; 1) Ew,ew,ew!/span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" Why are they saying this out loud/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"?! This is the kind of secret that should die with someone!, and 2) This is a remarkably /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"good/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" person. Like, the kind of person that does the right thing even when nobodies watching, and at great personal expense. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbbr //b/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bI have my own confession to make: /b I occasionally flush my toilet paper. I just forget, and down it goes. It doesn’t even phase me. Never has. /span/span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"It may not seem like that big of a deal, but there’s such a glaring difference between me and the people that fish it out. bI find myself so far from that kind of selflessness that it's embarrassing ./b Ya know? Like, the kind of selflessness that says I’m gonna do something super oogy because it’s what’s best for this home and this country. span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Helvetica, serif;font-size:12px;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"And I’m left wondering, as always, how it is that /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"I’m/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" the missionary and /span/spanispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"they’re/span/span/ispan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;" the guest, when I have so much to learn, and they have so much to teach.../span/span/span/span/span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman', serif;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"br //span/span/pp style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman', serif;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"The end. /span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"/spanbr //span/span/p p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"bSo, I was gonna ask if you’re a wadder or a folder... and then I was like, Why on God's green earth/b/span/spanspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"b would I ever want to know that?!?! /b/span/span/span/pdivspan class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Helvetica, serif;font-size:100%;"span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:12px;"br //span/span/divdiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6918305754409517229-5319954674888671836?l=www.theveryworstmissionary.com' alt='' //divimg src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary/~4/jZTt70PLygM" height="1" width="1"/